In His Courts

Since I am so good at blogging (hahaha!!) I have agreed to help a dear friend write her story on her blog. Really it is God's story - He is the true Author of it all. I am humbled and so grateful for the opportunity to be a small part of sharing her journey with others. Linda Reppert has been a blessing to me and to so many. Filled with the Word of God and overflowing with wisdom, she continues to give to others freely, despite her physical condition. (You can read about that here.) Her life truly is a testimony of James 1:2-4: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Come join Linda on her journey as she shares lessons the Lord is teaching her on the land of Israel! It's going to be good!

In His Courts

Freedom from Fear - Pt. 1

As Shawn prepares to leave for camp with the high school ministry at our church, I can’t help but remember a year ago as he prepared for his first mission trip. God has been so gracious with me, taking me by the hand and gently leading me toward total dependence on Him. I still have a long way to go, but I am more excited about the journey than I have ever been.

When Shawn first mentioned going on the mission trip, I was every bit of encouraging. Having a heart for missions and the world, I was so excited for him to experience it! Unexpectedly, it hit me that my husband, who is a very huge part of my security, would be gone for over a week. It had been 5 years since he had left me for more than a couple nights, and this would be the first time since my trip to China 10 years earlier he would not be a phone call away.

The Sunday before he left, my heart felt like it was breaking already. I kept thinking, “A week from today he won’t be here…and two weeks from today…he still won’t be here.” I fought that thought process the rest of the week and would randomly find myself in tears.

I wanted him to go…but I didn’t want to be left behind. It was a struggle that at one point landed me in my closet, on my knees in tears. I begged God to promise me He would keep Shawn safe. “If You will just promise, You will bring Him home safe… I will give Him to You to take… if You can just tell me for sure I have nothing to worry about… I will believe You.” Silence. Tears continued to fall as I realized God wanted me to trust Him regardless of the outcome. I felt Him whisper to my spirit, “Shawn isn’t yours to give me. He is already mine, to do with as I see fit.” Painful as it was, I opened my hands and surrendered. Determined to walk ahead with purpose, confident the results would be worth it.

My sweet Mother-in-Law came and stayed with me for three nights and four days. I am not sure how I could have done those first days without him – without her. Shawn’s plane was “lost” on the way over and a couple other things would have sent me over the edge if not for her comfort. Dear friends also surrounded me. Giving up time with their families to come spend late nights with me, or even sleep on my couch. God’s presence filled this house like I have never experienced before from the minute Shawn walked out the door to the moment I was in his arms again. It was painful. I was stretched. Living moment by moment, sometimes in great fear sometimes in great faith, I survived. And actually found myself longing to feel God so physically near again once Shawn was home.

So a couple of months later when Shawn called to tell me he would be taking a business trip, I almost welcomed the opportunity. Fully believing God would show up again. But He didn’t…or so I thought.

To be continued…

Healing for a Heart: A True Story of Hope in the Holy Land

To meet Linda Reppert today you would never know a few months ago she was diagnosed with a serious heart disease expected to affect her quality of life and shorten her life span. Her slender, athletic build, sun kissed skin and hair conveys a picture of health. When her steady hazel eyes meet yours and her lips give way to a friendly smile, there is no indication of fear or uncertainty. Yet, for eight long months she has had countless doctor appointments, numerous tests and a surgery to determine what has caused her enlarged heart. It is still unknown why her blood pumps at only 50% capacity. At times she has actually felt her heart working inside her as it struggled to do its intended job. Facing a relentless fatigue daily she still cares for her family and friends as the ever strong one. It was in the midst of such crucial physical circumstances; Linda made the decision to visit Israel a second time.

Linda had been home only four days when she agreed to meet with me following her fourth doctor appointment of the week. Due to being sent for an unforeseen test our time was delayed although the results of that appointment would become the driving force behind my every word. I walked into Linda’s home only hours after she received news open heart surgery was recommended to repair or replace a worn out defective valve the doctors believe is a contributing cause of her enlarged heart. She was given less than a 60% chance her life will improve after the surgery. Remaining untreated, her heart will eventually stop working. I sat and listened to her story while my own heart ached and tears poured on my paper, yet not once did her faith appear to waiver. Not once did she seem without hope. Heaviness came over me as I realized the weight of the story God had entrusted me to write. It was one with much more impact than a friend’s recent visit to Israel.

With her doctor’s approval Linda set out on a journey that would change, challenge and encourage her as she faced the trial of a lifetime. “Though I immediately started feeling my heart struggling I did not miss a minute of the tour. Aside from my husband and two close friends the other 28 people did not know of my condition. I did not want to be the ‘sick one’ or someone people had to worry about.” Despite her swollen legs and extreme fatigue she felt God strengthen her to press on to each location and soak in many lessons.

Near the end of the trip there came a time for her secret to be revealed. As they neared the Pool of Bethesda, known as a place of healing, Linda knew she could not leave without prayer. “Being obedient to James 5:14: ‘If anyone is sick, let him call to the elders to pray and anoint him with oil.’ This would be the third time I requested this from a different set of elders in different locations.” Knowing He could heal, and trusting Him completely with the decision, they prayed fervently each time. Linda’s heart remained the same. Yet that moment in Jerusalem became most memorable as God spoke to her soul through James 1:2-4: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Like Paul, she had brought her request before the Lord three times and He had chosen for her to endure. “I realized that going through this trial was the only way God could make me ‘mature and complete, not lacking in anything.’ We all want the end result, but most of us do not want to go through the trial to get the maturity.” She felt peace and a renewed joy to be serving Him, even with a defective heart.

They visited a church near the pool where the acoustics could have made a frog croak sound like a blue bird in the morning. “How could we not sing?” Fresh from begging her Maker for healing, still sick she turned to Him and sang, “Lord, I give you my heart…” The significance of the words not lost on her she continued on, “I give you my soul, and I live for you alone. Every breath that I take, every moment I am awake, Lord have Your way in me…”

Another powerful moment on this pilgrimage to the Holy Land was when they passed through the valley of death and entered the Garden of Gethsemane. Heart pounding, breathless and sweating, Linda was overwhelmed thinking the Lord was allowing her to share in a very slight glimpse of His suffering in the Garden. “I realized this was not only a place of prayer, but a place of decision. What God was asking me to endure would cost me something. Would I be able to reach the point in the struggle to pray, ‘Not my will, but yours be done?’ The lesson continued as I recognized this place of prayer and decision was also a place of betrayal.” Tears stung her eyes, but the pain that filled her heart at that moment was not physical. She knew betrayal. Any tears cried since her diagnosis was not from fear or pain, but rather the lack of encouragement from some of her family. Ones trusted to protect her seemed to be leaving her alone at a time when most needed. Mercifully, her pain, decision and betrayal were very tiny compared to Jesus who had faced total separation from God when He bore our sin. Because of this, Linda would never have to be alone. Jesus would be her constant companion during her trial. She would steady her eyes on her Savior as He has fixed His eyes on His Father. She knew there would be glory after her Gethsemane just as Jesus had glory after His.

Leaving the Garden they trekked on down the Via Dolorosa, the street where Jesus carried His cross up to Golgotha. “When Jesus entered Jerusalem he came down a hill on a donkey and the people cried ‘Hosanna!’ It was a grand entrance coming down the hill but when He left the city it was a sorrowful incline. He had been beaten and you could almost picture Him in the street with the cross. He came in all His glory and I sent Him out with all my sin.” Linda’s chest again hurt, this time the pain spiritual as she felt the crushing cost of her own sin upon the back of her Savior. To stop there would be to lose all hope, so she continued on.

Walking from the place of the Skull to the garden tomb, Linda’s heart took on a renewed strength. She could not wait to get there. Just as Jesus’ fearful and despairing disciples became courageous and filled with hope at the sight of the risen Lord, Linda’s disposition also changed. “We all took our turn going into the tomb. People were exiting with heads down processing it or weeping. I came out with a smile and my arms were raised. It was a place of victory; a place of hope.” Many have shed tears over her physical struggle, but she really has not. If she has cried it has been in response to the reactions of others. The same hope that fills the empty tomb fills her entire being. Her confidence lies not in the doctor’s words but in the very Word of God. “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26) Though an uncertain road lies ahead, she walks in complete trust of the God that has ordained her every day.

The Privilege of Preference

I can still see Kevin standing in the middle of the street filled with swerving bicycles and honking cars. Over the straw hats and brightly colored umbrellas his small frame seemed to stand tall. His arm waved recklessly as he called out “Goodbye Ms. Mindy!” with a heavy accent. No longer able to see him through tears, I turned and walked away leaving a piece of my heart spilled out on that crowded China road. I would never be the same.

Those last weeks in China, Kevin had been my constant companion. Through tired eyes, I would spot him coming toward me the moment I stepped into the cafeteria for breakfast at 7 am. He would walk me to class and sit in the front row as I taught English to 12 very eager students. When I would give a break, some students would immediately switch to their native tongue and head out. Others would sometimes lag behind and speak with me for awhile. Kevin always remained, rarely leaving my side.

While all my students were dear to me and all thrilled to learn, Kevin was unique. He had joined the class midway through the summer after one of the four girls in my class had to leave for military reasons. This school was one of the best in China and available only to the wealthy. My students came from the homes of government officials, military generals or such, except for Kevin. His grandmother cleaned the school and after hearing of the opening in my class, persuaded the school officials to allow her academically advanced grandson to attend for the remainder of the program. Kevin had a passion for English, wanting to learn everything he could, valuing every single minute with me. Idioms, grammar, American culture and even the gospel – the more I shared, the more he wanted to know.

One day as we walked to get coffee flavored ice cream; (the only flavor offered at a local ice cream stand) Kevin shared his dreams to study in America, a dream that seemed unreachable. He had so many hurdles to overcome, one major one being a national test given to all students that determines whether one can attend college, and if so where. He said, “Many students are not allowed into college and are instead assigned to a job. In fact, the day the test results come out is referred to as “Suicide Day” because many teenagers take their life rather than face the disappointment of their parents or a life time spent in a factory.” My naïve American mind struggled to comprehend. After searching through hundreds of possible colleges and universities, I then set out to visit several before finally making my own decision of where I wanted to attend. I turned down a job and accepted another one. I changed my major half-way through school. I changed schools half-way though my major. Kevin’s whole life would be determined for him. Was it any wonder he was so desperate to learn?

I returned home, welcoming the break of my rice and watermelon diet, yet struggled to adjust back to life in America. Questions plagued my prayer time; decisions – from the big to the small – frustrated me. Ordering ice cream off a menu of 36 flavors, picking between three different Christian radio stations, or choosing a new book to read were all decisions that suddenly overwhelmed me. People sitting in one of the ten churches on the street unmoved, students sitting in classrooms oblivious to the privilege compelled me to plead, “Do you understand what you have been given?” Suddenly the country I grew up loving, took great effort to tolerate. My heart longed for the country where freedom was but a dream.

Now ten years later, I have settled back into the American life. Married to a wonderful man that provides for more than I need, have three lovely children who leave me worn out but loving life at the end of each day. We have a nice house, the kids attend a great school and I fill my spare time with church and community activities. Yet, I cannot read “made in China” and my heart not go there. And I still struggle over decisions knowing so many are unable to make any.

Kevin kept in contact long enough for me to know he achieved permission to go to a college in China, but he had not given up on his dream to study in America. I received a letter requesting help to come visit me when all communication unexpectedly stopped. Even after our correspondence ended, Kevin has remained in my prayers. Did the knowledge of the gospel ever drop from his mind and into his heart? Even with a government deciding the results of his physical life, they cannot determine his eternity. Will one day when I walk on a golden street, through the multitude will I see his waving hand? Over the “Hallelujah” of the angels will I hear, “Hello, Ms. Mindy”? I pray it is so while trusting that decision to the wisdom of the Father.

Running

Running with chains that I cannot undo, I stumble. Pulling them behind requires more of me than I can lose. Fear keeps me from liberty. I do not believe I can let go. Bleeding and broken I fall screaming for freedom. Yearning to run unhindered, I release my hurt and allow the Healer to wash it in Truth. I rise and run with new passion. As my breath leaves me, His breath fills me and I pour out. I glimpse the finish line, but I still have more to give. This race demands my all. I push harder, desiring to know Him more. I want only to come to the end completely spent, arms lifted in surrender. In losing myself, I achieve victory. In dying I find life. At last I run into the arms of my Savior. Completely His and for His glory, I run only for Him.

Frustrated at Facebook

Offended yet again, I shut off the computer and walk away. I had avoided facebook for weeks, while contemplating what to do with it. Delete my account? Block some “friends”? Each time I visited the site, I would go away cringing. Though the good in facebook kept compelling me back. It works well to keep up with family and dear friends who I would otherwise have no contact with on a day to day basis. If only people would think before they typed…

This time as I walked away from the computer I was more upset at myself than the people on the other side. Why was it bothering me so? Aggravated at myself for being aggravated, out the door I went for a stroll. I took only two steps before releasing my built up complaints to the throne room of Heaven. I walked and talked letting my heart overflow with honesty to my Father. I shared my thoughts with Him, every last one of them. And then I paused, ending my rant with sincere question, “Do you get offended, Lord? Or are you just so full of grace…?” I couldn’t go on. The words stuck in my throat for my heart already knew the answer.

If God were to get offended, wouldn’t He constantly be offended? Is there ever a moment void of evil somewhere? If people’s thoughtless comments offend me, a sinner, how much more would my thoughts offend a holy Christ? Does He ever avoid me because I displease Him? Does He turn me off and come back later when my thoughts may not be so insulting? Or get so tired of my ramblings that He considers “un-friending” me? It brought tears at the mere thought of it.

I have yet to decide if there is some middle ground here. Are there things worth taking offense too so evil doesn’t thrive? I’m not sure. As far as my “friends” and facebook goes… I have decided if I am going to error, it will be on the side of extending grace instead of getting irritated. One small way my heart can better reflect my Master’s.

Now to go pray about my time management issues and facebook…

"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

My Testimony (In 294 Words)

While attending VBS at age 5, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. He answered my prayer; however, I did not fully comprehend how to have a relationship with Him. Fear ruled over my thoughts as I somehow came to believe salvation depended on me. I lived in a frustrating cycle of failure. At age 13, I began attending church and again surrendered my life to Christ. This time, I found strength and friendship in Him. In high school, God gave me a vision where I saw myself stumbling into His throne room wearing only filthy rags. I understood this to be a call to missions, and embraced the call with my whole being. I believed my life would not be easy but spent on the poor and the needy. To such an extent, I nearly missed marrying my husband. His stable career seemed to promise me an effortless life. Despite that, God gave me peace to wed this man I loved dearly. I surprised myself with how quickly I settled into the American life I never thought I would live. We bought a house and moved to a small town where I pictured raising our family. Thankfully, God had other plans. My husband lost his stable job and moved us to big city several hours away. My body moved with him, yet my rebellious heart remained distant. Always faithful, God used that painful time to teach me and give me roots in His Word. He taught me about grace and forgiveness. Together my husband and I learned to trust God and depend on Him in new ways. I do not know the Lord’s plans or all His call on my life will require. Still, whatever He asks, I pray I answer “yes.”

Wacky Wednesday

About a year ago I shared Connor’s no underwear adventure. Since there isn’t much in between that one and this one, I have hesitated to post another of his wardrobe malfunctions. Partly in case you think it is a pretty often occurrence…well, maybe it is. And partly because it could embarrass Connor one day… well, maybe that isn’t so bad either. :) So here I go…

Yes, it is true that Connor often has trouble getting dressed in the morning. Obviously forgetting underwear, but he has also met me at the stairs ready to go down to breakfast still in his pajamas but with socks and shoes on, or his socks, shoes, underwear and shirt on but NO PANTS. And yes, that boy is oblivious to his errors until I point it out. Then you see the realization wash over his sleepy face. Luckily, since last year, all of these incidents have happened inside our home until Wednesday last week.

It wasn’t just any Wednesday, mind you. It was Wacky Wednesday. For Summer at least. She dressed up in wacky tights, shorts, backwards shirts and a crazy side pony tail. All of it just gave her license to dress how she would every day if she could. Connor's class didn’t have wacky day but went to school in regular jeans and a regular shirt without complaint.

We were crossing the street on the way home from school that afternoon when I noticed Connor was pulling at his pants. “What’s wrong?”

“My underwear is messed up”, he said.

“Wait until we get across the street and I will help you.”

Once safely across the street, the crossing guards (who have become dear friends) begin going on and on about Summer’s crazy outfit when one of them asked where Connor had went. In immediate panic I turned around and found Connor hiding behind me…with his pants down. Since I had forgotten, he had taken it upon himself to fix his underwear right there as cars drove by.

Quickly, I yanked his pants up and glanced at the sweet crossing guards who seemed to be waiting for my reaction before responding. “Well, I can add that to my list of embarrassing things he has done”, I said.

They laughed. Summer wasted no time before breaking into the story of his no underwear day. I smiled and wondered to myself why I take them out in public sometimes.

One crossing guard then noticed Connor’s normal clothes and said, “Oh, you didn’t have Wacky Wednesday today, Connor?”

Connor, quick as ever, replied, “Nope. I had wacky underwear day!”

Do I Dare Try This Again?

I have started this post a few times over the last month, but how in the world do you come back after almost a year of silence? It is not easy that is for sure. I want to make all these promises to do better, but I honestly don’t have enough faith in me to do such a thing. What calls me back is knowing all the sweet moments I shared with my family…moments I was sure I would remember but now have been forgotten. The timely moments where God has changed my course of direction…the little ones, I barely recognized, but now wish I had a better account. Then there are the big moments I have scribbled on a post-it note and still hope to record on here eventually…maybe…hopefully…

Here is a quick update on some of what has been going on the last year…
In June, I was forced to trust God in new ways as Shawn headed out on his first mission trip. God’s presence was tangible in my home and I learned so much… so did he. In October, Shawn headed out for a two week business trip and I expected the same peace that had accompanied me the last time he was gone, but instead this time I felt so alone. God began a work on me while Shawn was gone and still isn’t finished yet. It has been one of the most painful experiences in my walk with Him this far, but I am holding on…knowing it will be worth it.

God has reignited my passion for missions and it was a frustrating few months before I begin to see a reason why. He took me all the way to Houston over a weekend before I finally surrendered and received clear direction of what He wants next. Maybe I will share more of that someday. I am still busy with the women’s ministry at church and organizing the Bible studies. It is passion I don’t think I will ever get out of my system.

Shawn and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary this year and I have been amazed at him more lately than ever. He worked so hard this past year to support our family and he did so very well. These last few months, he “supporting me” has taken a different direction. I can hardly talk about it without tears. I am so thankful he is mine.

Summer is quite the little lady. She is definitely her own person and very Ok with her uniqueness. She rarely picks up a toy to play, but will spend her time on crafts, electronics or reading. She loves helping me in the kitchen. She takes social to a whole new level. Never wanting to be alone, she follows me around doing her own thing but carrying on an almost grown up conversation in the process. Her wisdom and maturity amaze me. Love that girl!

Connor, as active as ever, always keeps me on my toes. He doesn’t sit still for a minute and never has enough time in the day to play. Superheroes or cars occupies most of his time. His toys are his prized possessions, yet he has a huge heart. He will do almost anything for his sisters or me and do it cheerfully. The most amazing prayers come out of his little mouth. God has big plans for that little man, I just know it.

Chloe is near perfect sweetness. That little girl loves anything alive and has the most nurturing spirit I have ever witnessed in a little one. She is my constant companion throughout the day and I enjoy her so much it scares me sometimes. We clean together, run errands together, play together. Don’t even talk about her going to school…EVER!

So maybe I will be back to share more tomorrow…or maybe next week…or next month…but hopefully before next year.

One of Those Days

Last Friday was one of those days. You know the kind where you have to keep laughing so you don't cry. The kind where you wonder "what next?" but are too afraid to actually ask. Where you want to go back to bed and start over...or just stay in bed.

Friday morning the kids and I rush out the door in hopes that we would somehow be able to gain back the two minutes we needed in order to NOT be late for school. We weren't far from our house when it suddenly started raining...or we drove through sprinklers...or a flock of birds just pooped all over our car. Yea, that was it. Bird poop. Sadly, I didn't realize it was not rain, or the sprinklers until after I turned on the windshield wipers.

When I finished gagging, I resumed my task of getting Summer to school on time. Only now I was doing it by peering through streaks of bird poop all over the windshield. I wish I was exaggerating.

In spite of the bird poop, we actually made up our two minutes, but now there was no way I was driving my poopmobile through the car line. So we parked, got out and walked away from the car as quickly as possible.

Once she is in, I came back to check out the damage. Never before have I seen so much poop. With two fingers I attempted to open my door between splats. Needless to say, we headed straight to the car wash.

An experience in and of itself with two kids in the car and a mom who has never done this before...but I will spare you those details. We make it out with a clean car! It has never felt so good! Next stop - grocery store.

I have to admit as I turned off the car and walked around to get my kids out, I was a bit nervous at what this trip would bring. I will tell you, it was not what I expected, and it would be mere second before I would find that out...

Connor jumped out of the car and pulled out his shorts to look down them with wide eyes, "Where did my underwear go?"

I stopped in my tracks and asked, "Connor, do you not have underwear on??" while praying he was playing a trick on me.

"I guess I forgot them." He said much too seriously.

I looked for myself. Yep, he forgot them...somehow. I cringed but put him in the cart anyway. "Let,s just get our groceries quickly and then I will take you home to get underwear, OK?"

"OK" he replies and go we about our shopping trip.

Until I walk in and realize that in my hurry this morning, my shopping list was left on the counter right by my purse...instead of in my purse. Still determined to go home with food, I try to do it by memory.

Three aisles in my phone rings. It is Summer's teacher. I had wrote a note to her that morning concerning a note that came home from school with Summer the night before. Summer had found a note in her cubby that read, "I love you Summer! From your sekrit idmyudr." And then a second one that read, "I love you so much I want to kiss you!" Needless to say, that is where we got concerned.

So there I am explaining the whole situation in the middle of the store, while trying to pull my grocery list from head, push a race car grocery cart and keep two kids seated and under control. In all that, I completely forgot one of them didn't have on underwear. Unfortunately, he didn't forget....

I finally reached the check-out and and the man bagging the groceries (who we see there nearly every visit, I might add) asked Connor how he was doing today. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard Connor's response. "I don't have any underwear on."

I quickly covered his mouth, but it was too late. I felt my face turn red, but oh, it wasn't near over.

The man responded loudly "No, underwear on? Why don't you have any underwear on?"

Connor explained as best he knew how, "I guess they stuck to my pjs when I got dressed this morning and I put them in the laundry."

"Were they clean underwear?" The man asked.

Connor nodded a yes.

"Oh, no, OH NO!" the man exclaimed, his voice grew louder and louder as my face got redder and redder. "You never put clean underwear in the laundry, do you know why?"

Connor wide-eyed, shook his head.

"Because then you end up at the grocery store WITH NO UNDERWEAR ON!"

My gratitude at him declaring yet again to the people all around me that my son didn't have any underwear on was displayed well on my crimson face.

At last the cashier handed me the receipt and I grabbed my cart and pushed it out of the store.

Connor wondered aloud, "Why didn't he come out to the car with us like he always does?"

I muttered more to myself than to him, "He was probably afraid."

"Oh. I shouldn't have told him I didn't have underwear on." He says as if a light bulb just went off.

"Probably not", I said.

But it was done and we were headed home...yet even after all that, the day was just beginning...

Cherish

Today was the much awaited last day of school for Connor. Tomorrow is the big preschool graduation!

I have been counting down the days since we moved and added 20 minutes onto the daily trek. Honestly, I wasn't sure I was going to make it to the end. There were many days, I thought it might be his last. But a day at a time...one car line at a time...we made it to the end!

As excited as I was to see today and pick Connor up from school the last time, there was also that mommy part of me, that just wanted to hold onto it all. I wanted time to slow down for just a minute. For more reasons than my "to do list".

I came home from dropping him off and sat with Chloe. We played babies, looked at cards, fixed her up pretty and "talked" the whole time. My quiet mornings with her will be rare to none these next couple of months. And oh, how I have enjoyed her!

As I left to pick Connor up from school, I smiled as Chloe closed her eyes the moment she hit her car seat. For months, this has been her nap...the hour long ride to his school and back. Memories, though I often dreaded, I don't want to forget.

Waiting in the car line, I can't help but smile again as I see Connor walking towards me. All smiles as well, he jumps in and doesn't waste a second before pouring out the exciting details of his day. *Sigh* I love it! I know the day will come much sooner than I like and his boyish glee will turn to mere smirks and grunts. So again, I tuck this away.

As much as I have disliked the distance to Connor's school and the car line, I have looked forward to our rides home. This was "our" time. Chloe sound asleep, and Connor as talkative as ever, we shared some of the most memorable conversations.

Here are only a few recent ones:

"When is Daddy going to be a grown up and go to work?" Mind you, I am not sure how "grown up" Shawn is, but he does go to work every day. It was only after a few confusing minutes that I realized in Connor's mind - you didn't go to work unless you wore a uniform (ie, fireman, policeman, doctor).

"I pushed Avery today, but it was on purpose...or on accident. Which one is the good one?"

We have also had some good heart-to-hearts on the way home from school. Such as, Jesus coming in to your heart even when it is all bloody in there. Oh, I pray I never forget his wide eyes when I told him Jesus stays even when He does bad things. "Yes, pretty amazing, isn't it, sweet boy."

We have discussed in detail how God cries when we cry. He came to conclusion all on his own that he doesn't hear God crying because he cries so loud. I could only agree with that one.

Ah, so tomorrow a new chapter begins as we head towards another summer vacation.


Please, Lord, help me cherish every minute You have allowed me to borrow these precious children. Help me rejoice in all things!

Nothing Can Separate Us

Have you ever heard something your entire life but than all of a sudden you really hear it? It doesn't just get stuck in your ear but sinks into your brain...or maybe it's your heart.

That happened to me tonight.

I had the privilege of hearing Lisa Whelchel speak at a local church this evening. It was casual and lighthearted. She was fun and transparent. I was captivated by her testimony. So different than mine, and yet...the same.

She told details of how our brain and emotions are tied together. Scientific details that I would mess up if I tried to retell. How God has designed for one to go with the other. It is not just enough to know what we know, but we have to feel what we know to truly believe it.

Before I confuse myself any further...this is what I carried home tonight. This was my slap my hand on my forehead moment. My "How in the world have I not got this yet?" moment.

As if I had never heard it before, Lisa said something like this:

We are told over and over how sin separates us from God - and it does. He is holy and our sin keeps us from having a relationship with Him. But. BUT Jesus. Once we have Jesus in our lives, covering our sin...NOTHING, NOTHING can separate us from Him.

A light bulb went off in my head! That is scripture I have read how many times? "Nothing can separate us." Yet how many times a day do I beat myself up for failing...and not just failing but failing AGAIN. For losing my patience AGAIN. For not spending time in His Word AGAIN. For forgetting to pray AGAIN.

For...for...for...the list could on and on.

And I feel separated. I feel like He distanced Himself because of my sin. I feel I have let Him down. Disappointed Him. I can picture Him throwing His hands up in frustration. Maybe even anger.

But God's holiness (as huge as that is!!) is only half the picture. The other half is grace, clothed in flesh and called Jesus.

Without Him our sin separates us from God. With Jesus, His grace draws us near. It stoops to cover our sin. It wraps arms around us. It heals. It protects. It forgives and it loves. Always completely, never-ending love.

He doesn't want a perfect performance. He just wants me.

Amazing, amazing grace.