Running

Running with chains that I cannot undo, I stumble. Pulling them behind requires more of me than I can lose. Fear keeps me from liberty. I do not believe I can let go. Bleeding and broken I fall screaming for freedom. Yearning to run unhindered, I release my hurt and allow the Healer to wash it in Truth. I rise and run with new passion. As my breath leaves me, His breath fills me and I pour out. I glimpse the finish line, but I still have more to give. This race demands my all. I push harder, desiring to know Him more. I want only to come to the end completely spent, arms lifted in surrender. In losing myself, I achieve victory. In dying I find life. At last I run into the arms of my Savior. Completely His and for His glory, I run only for Him.

Frustrated at Facebook

Offended yet again, I shut off the computer and walk away. I had avoided facebook for weeks, while contemplating what to do with it. Delete my account? Block some “friends”? Each time I visited the site, I would go away cringing. Though the good in facebook kept compelling me back. It works well to keep up with family and dear friends who I would otherwise have no contact with on a day to day basis. If only people would think before they typed…

This time as I walked away from the computer I was more upset at myself than the people on the other side. Why was it bothering me so? Aggravated at myself for being aggravated, out the door I went for a stroll. I took only two steps before releasing my built up complaints to the throne room of Heaven. I walked and talked letting my heart overflow with honesty to my Father. I shared my thoughts with Him, every last one of them. And then I paused, ending my rant with sincere question, “Do you get offended, Lord? Or are you just so full of grace…?” I couldn’t go on. The words stuck in my throat for my heart already knew the answer.

If God were to get offended, wouldn’t He constantly be offended? Is there ever a moment void of evil somewhere? If people’s thoughtless comments offend me, a sinner, how much more would my thoughts offend a holy Christ? Does He ever avoid me because I displease Him? Does He turn me off and come back later when my thoughts may not be so insulting? Or get so tired of my ramblings that He considers “un-friending” me? It brought tears at the mere thought of it.

I have yet to decide if there is some middle ground here. Are there things worth taking offense too so evil doesn’t thrive? I’m not sure. As far as my “friends” and facebook goes… I have decided if I am going to error, it will be on the side of extending grace instead of getting irritated. One small way my heart can better reflect my Master’s.

Now to go pray about my time management issues and facebook…

"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

My Testimony (In 294 Words)

While attending VBS at age 5, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. He answered my prayer; however, I did not fully comprehend how to have a relationship with Him. Fear ruled over my thoughts as I somehow came to believe salvation depended on me. I lived in a frustrating cycle of failure. At age 13, I began attending church and again surrendered my life to Christ. This time, I found strength and friendship in Him. In high school, God gave me a vision where I saw myself stumbling into His throne room wearing only filthy rags. I understood this to be a call to missions, and embraced the call with my whole being. I believed my life would not be easy but spent on the poor and the needy. To such an extent, I nearly missed marrying my husband. His stable career seemed to promise me an effortless life. Despite that, God gave me peace to wed this man I loved dearly. I surprised myself with how quickly I settled into the American life I never thought I would live. We bought a house and moved to a small town where I pictured raising our family. Thankfully, God had other plans. My husband lost his stable job and moved us to big city several hours away. My body moved with him, yet my rebellious heart remained distant. Always faithful, God used that painful time to teach me and give me roots in His Word. He taught me about grace and forgiveness. Together my husband and I learned to trust God and depend on Him in new ways. I do not know the Lord’s plans or all His call on my life will require. Still, whatever He asks, I pray I answer “yes.”

Wacky Wednesday

About a year ago I shared Connor’s no underwear adventure. Since there isn’t much in between that one and this one, I have hesitated to post another of his wardrobe malfunctions. Partly in case you think it is a pretty often occurrence…well, maybe it is. And partly because it could embarrass Connor one day… well, maybe that isn’t so bad either. :) So here I go…

Yes, it is true that Connor often has trouble getting dressed in the morning. Obviously forgetting underwear, but he has also met me at the stairs ready to go down to breakfast still in his pajamas but with socks and shoes on, or his socks, shoes, underwear and shirt on but NO PANTS. And yes, that boy is oblivious to his errors until I point it out. Then you see the realization wash over his sleepy face. Luckily, since last year, all of these incidents have happened inside our home until Wednesday last week.

It wasn’t just any Wednesday, mind you. It was Wacky Wednesday. For Summer at least. She dressed up in wacky tights, shorts, backwards shirts and a crazy side pony tail. All of it just gave her license to dress how she would every day if she could. Connor's class didn’t have wacky day but went to school in regular jeans and a regular shirt without complaint.

We were crossing the street on the way home from school that afternoon when I noticed Connor was pulling at his pants. “What’s wrong?”

“My underwear is messed up”, he said.

“Wait until we get across the street and I will help you.”

Once safely across the street, the crossing guards (who have become dear friends) begin going on and on about Summer’s crazy outfit when one of them asked where Connor had went. In immediate panic I turned around and found Connor hiding behind me…with his pants down. Since I had forgotten, he had taken it upon himself to fix his underwear right there as cars drove by.

Quickly, I yanked his pants up and glanced at the sweet crossing guards who seemed to be waiting for my reaction before responding. “Well, I can add that to my list of embarrassing things he has done”, I said.

They laughed. Summer wasted no time before breaking into the story of his no underwear day. I smiled and wondered to myself why I take them out in public sometimes.

One crossing guard then noticed Connor’s normal clothes and said, “Oh, you didn’t have Wacky Wednesday today, Connor?”

Connor, quick as ever, replied, “Nope. I had wacky underwear day!”

Do I Dare Try This Again?

I have started this post a few times over the last month, but how in the world do you come back after almost a year of silence? It is not easy that is for sure. I want to make all these promises to do better, but I honestly don’t have enough faith in me to do such a thing. What calls me back is knowing all the sweet moments I shared with my family…moments I was sure I would remember but now have been forgotten. The timely moments where God has changed my course of direction…the little ones, I barely recognized, but now wish I had a better account. Then there are the big moments I have scribbled on a post-it note and still hope to record on here eventually…maybe…hopefully…

Here is a quick update on some of what has been going on the last year…
In June, I was forced to trust God in new ways as Shawn headed out on his first mission trip. God’s presence was tangible in my home and I learned so much… so did he. In October, Shawn headed out for a two week business trip and I expected the same peace that had accompanied me the last time he was gone, but instead this time I felt so alone. God began a work on me while Shawn was gone and still isn’t finished yet. It has been one of the most painful experiences in my walk with Him this far, but I am holding on…knowing it will be worth it.

God has reignited my passion for missions and it was a frustrating few months before I begin to see a reason why. He took me all the way to Houston over a weekend before I finally surrendered and received clear direction of what He wants next. Maybe I will share more of that someday. I am still busy with the women’s ministry at church and organizing the Bible studies. It is passion I don’t think I will ever get out of my system.

Shawn and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary this year and I have been amazed at him more lately than ever. He worked so hard this past year to support our family and he did so very well. These last few months, he “supporting me” has taken a different direction. I can hardly talk about it without tears. I am so thankful he is mine.

Summer is quite the little lady. She is definitely her own person and very Ok with her uniqueness. She rarely picks up a toy to play, but will spend her time on crafts, electronics or reading. She loves helping me in the kitchen. She takes social to a whole new level. Never wanting to be alone, she follows me around doing her own thing but carrying on an almost grown up conversation in the process. Her wisdom and maturity amaze me. Love that girl!

Connor, as active as ever, always keeps me on my toes. He doesn’t sit still for a minute and never has enough time in the day to play. Superheroes or cars occupies most of his time. His toys are his prized possessions, yet he has a huge heart. He will do almost anything for his sisters or me and do it cheerfully. The most amazing prayers come out of his little mouth. God has big plans for that little man, I just know it.

Chloe is near perfect sweetness. That little girl loves anything alive and has the most nurturing spirit I have ever witnessed in a little one. She is my constant companion throughout the day and I enjoy her so much it scares me sometimes. We clean together, run errands together, play together. Don’t even talk about her going to school…EVER!

So maybe I will be back to share more tomorrow…or maybe next week…or next month…but hopefully before next year.