Freedom from Fear - Pt. 1

As Shawn prepares to leave for camp with the high school ministry at our church, I can’t help but remember a year ago as he prepared for his first mission trip. God has been so gracious with me, taking me by the hand and gently leading me toward total dependence on Him. I still have a long way to go, but I am more excited about the journey than I have ever been.

When Shawn first mentioned going on the mission trip, I was every bit of encouraging. Having a heart for missions and the world, I was so excited for him to experience it! Unexpectedly, it hit me that my husband, who is a very huge part of my security, would be gone for over a week. It had been 5 years since he had left me for more than a couple nights, and this would be the first time since my trip to China 10 years earlier he would not be a phone call away.

The Sunday before he left, my heart felt like it was breaking already. I kept thinking, “A week from today he won’t be here…and two weeks from today…he still won’t be here.” I fought that thought process the rest of the week and would randomly find myself in tears.

I wanted him to go…but I didn’t want to be left behind. It was a struggle that at one point landed me in my closet, on my knees in tears. I begged God to promise me He would keep Shawn safe. “If You will just promise, You will bring Him home safe… I will give Him to You to take… if You can just tell me for sure I have nothing to worry about… I will believe You.” Silence. Tears continued to fall as I realized God wanted me to trust Him regardless of the outcome. I felt Him whisper to my spirit, “Shawn isn’t yours to give me. He is already mine, to do with as I see fit.” Painful as it was, I opened my hands and surrendered. Determined to walk ahead with purpose, confident the results would be worth it.

My sweet Mother-in-Law came and stayed with me for three nights and four days. I am not sure how I could have done those first days without him – without her. Shawn’s plane was “lost” on the way over and a couple other things would have sent me over the edge if not for her comfort. Dear friends also surrounded me. Giving up time with their families to come spend late nights with me, or even sleep on my couch. God’s presence filled this house like I have never experienced before from the minute Shawn walked out the door to the moment I was in his arms again. It was painful. I was stretched. Living moment by moment, sometimes in great fear sometimes in great faith, I survived. And actually found myself longing to feel God so physically near again once Shawn was home.

So a couple of months later when Shawn called to tell me he would be taking a business trip, I almost welcomed the opportunity. Fully believing God would show up again. But He didn’t…or so I thought.

To be continued…