The Privilege of Preference

I can still see Kevin standing in the middle of the street filled with swerving bicycles and honking cars. Over the straw hats and brightly colored umbrellas his small frame seemed to stand tall. His arm waved recklessly as he called out “Goodbye Ms. Mindy!” with a heavy accent. No longer able to see him through tears, I turned and walked away leaving a piece of my heart spilled out on that crowded China road. I would never be the same.

Those last weeks in China, Kevin had been my constant companion. Through tired eyes, I would spot him coming toward me the moment I stepped into the cafeteria for breakfast at 7 am. He would walk me to class and sit in the front row as I taught English to 12 very eager students. When I would give a break, some students would immediately switch to their native tongue and head out. Others would sometimes lag behind and speak with me for awhile. Kevin always remained, rarely leaving my side.

While all my students were dear to me and all thrilled to learn, Kevin was unique. He had joined the class midway through the summer after one of the four girls in my class had to leave for military reasons. This school was one of the best in China and available only to the wealthy. My students came from the homes of government officials, military generals or such, except for Kevin. His grandmother cleaned the school and after hearing of the opening in my class, persuaded the school officials to allow her academically advanced grandson to attend for the remainder of the program. Kevin had a passion for English, wanting to learn everything he could, valuing every single minute with me. Idioms, grammar, American culture and even the gospel – the more I shared, the more he wanted to know.

One day as we walked to get coffee flavored ice cream; (the only flavor offered at a local ice cream stand) Kevin shared his dreams to study in America, a dream that seemed unreachable. He had so many hurdles to overcome, one major one being a national test given to all students that determines whether one can attend college, and if so where. He said, “Many students are not allowed into college and are instead assigned to a job. In fact, the day the test results come out is referred to as “Suicide Day” because many teenagers take their life rather than face the disappointment of their parents or a life time spent in a factory.” My naïve American mind struggled to comprehend. After searching through hundreds of possible colleges and universities, I then set out to visit several before finally making my own decision of where I wanted to attend. I turned down a job and accepted another one. I changed my major half-way through school. I changed schools half-way though my major. Kevin’s whole life would be determined for him. Was it any wonder he was so desperate to learn?

I returned home, welcoming the break of my rice and watermelon diet, yet struggled to adjust back to life in America. Questions plagued my prayer time; decisions – from the big to the small – frustrated me. Ordering ice cream off a menu of 36 flavors, picking between three different Christian radio stations, or choosing a new book to read were all decisions that suddenly overwhelmed me. People sitting in one of the ten churches on the street unmoved, students sitting in classrooms oblivious to the privilege compelled me to plead, “Do you understand what you have been given?” Suddenly the country I grew up loving, took great effort to tolerate. My heart longed for the country where freedom was but a dream.

Now ten years later, I have settled back into the American life. Married to a wonderful man that provides for more than I need, have three lovely children who leave me worn out but loving life at the end of each day. We have a nice house, the kids attend a great school and I fill my spare time with church and community activities. Yet, I cannot read “made in China” and my heart not go there. And I still struggle over decisions knowing so many are unable to make any.

Kevin kept in contact long enough for me to know he achieved permission to go to a college in China, but he had not given up on his dream to study in America. I received a letter requesting help to come visit me when all communication unexpectedly stopped. Even after our correspondence ended, Kevin has remained in my prayers. Did the knowledge of the gospel ever drop from his mind and into his heart? Even with a government deciding the results of his physical life, they cannot determine his eternity. Will one day when I walk on a golden street, through the multitude will I see his waving hand? Over the “Hallelujah” of the angels will I hear, “Hello, Ms. Mindy”? I pray it is so while trusting that decision to the wisdom of the Father.

Running

Running with chains that I cannot undo, I stumble. Pulling them behind requires more of me than I can lose. Fear keeps me from liberty. I do not believe I can let go. Bleeding and broken I fall screaming for freedom. Yearning to run unhindered, I release my hurt and allow the Healer to wash it in Truth. I rise and run with new passion. As my breath leaves me, His breath fills me and I pour out. I glimpse the finish line, but I still have more to give. This race demands my all. I push harder, desiring to know Him more. I want only to come to the end completely spent, arms lifted in surrender. In losing myself, I achieve victory. In dying I find life. At last I run into the arms of my Savior. Completely His and for His glory, I run only for Him.

Frustrated at Facebook

Offended yet again, I shut off the computer and walk away. I had avoided facebook for weeks, while contemplating what to do with it. Delete my account? Block some “friends”? Each time I visited the site, I would go away cringing. Though the good in facebook kept compelling me back. It works well to keep up with family and dear friends who I would otherwise have no contact with on a day to day basis. If only people would think before they typed…

This time as I walked away from the computer I was more upset at myself than the people on the other side. Why was it bothering me so? Aggravated at myself for being aggravated, out the door I went for a stroll. I took only two steps before releasing my built up complaints to the throne room of Heaven. I walked and talked letting my heart overflow with honesty to my Father. I shared my thoughts with Him, every last one of them. And then I paused, ending my rant with sincere question, “Do you get offended, Lord? Or are you just so full of grace…?” I couldn’t go on. The words stuck in my throat for my heart already knew the answer.

If God were to get offended, wouldn’t He constantly be offended? Is there ever a moment void of evil somewhere? If people’s thoughtless comments offend me, a sinner, how much more would my thoughts offend a holy Christ? Does He ever avoid me because I displease Him? Does He turn me off and come back later when my thoughts may not be so insulting? Or get so tired of my ramblings that He considers “un-friending” me? It brought tears at the mere thought of it.

I have yet to decide if there is some middle ground here. Are there things worth taking offense too so evil doesn’t thrive? I’m not sure. As far as my “friends” and facebook goes… I have decided if I am going to error, it will be on the side of extending grace instead of getting irritated. One small way my heart can better reflect my Master’s.

Now to go pray about my time management issues and facebook…

"From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." John 1:16

My Testimony (In 294 Words)

While attending VBS at age 5, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. He answered my prayer; however, I did not fully comprehend how to have a relationship with Him. Fear ruled over my thoughts as I somehow came to believe salvation depended on me. I lived in a frustrating cycle of failure. At age 13, I began attending church and again surrendered my life to Christ. This time, I found strength and friendship in Him. In high school, God gave me a vision where I saw myself stumbling into His throne room wearing only filthy rags. I understood this to be a call to missions, and embraced the call with my whole being. I believed my life would not be easy but spent on the poor and the needy. To such an extent, I nearly missed marrying my husband. His stable career seemed to promise me an effortless life. Despite that, God gave me peace to wed this man I loved dearly. I surprised myself with how quickly I settled into the American life I never thought I would live. We bought a house and moved to a small town where I pictured raising our family. Thankfully, God had other plans. My husband lost his stable job and moved us to big city several hours away. My body moved with him, yet my rebellious heart remained distant. Always faithful, God used that painful time to teach me and give me roots in His Word. He taught me about grace and forgiveness. Together my husband and I learned to trust God and depend on Him in new ways. I do not know the Lord’s plans or all His call on my life will require. Still, whatever He asks, I pray I answer “yes.”

Wacky Wednesday

About a year ago I shared Connor’s no underwear adventure. Since there isn’t much in between that one and this one, I have hesitated to post another of his wardrobe malfunctions. Partly in case you think it is a pretty often occurrence…well, maybe it is. And partly because it could embarrass Connor one day… well, maybe that isn’t so bad either. :) So here I go…

Yes, it is true that Connor often has trouble getting dressed in the morning. Obviously forgetting underwear, but he has also met me at the stairs ready to go down to breakfast still in his pajamas but with socks and shoes on, or his socks, shoes, underwear and shirt on but NO PANTS. And yes, that boy is oblivious to his errors until I point it out. Then you see the realization wash over his sleepy face. Luckily, since last year, all of these incidents have happened inside our home until Wednesday last week.

It wasn’t just any Wednesday, mind you. It was Wacky Wednesday. For Summer at least. She dressed up in wacky tights, shorts, backwards shirts and a crazy side pony tail. All of it just gave her license to dress how she would every day if she could. Connor's class didn’t have wacky day but went to school in regular jeans and a regular shirt without complaint.

We were crossing the street on the way home from school that afternoon when I noticed Connor was pulling at his pants. “What’s wrong?”

“My underwear is messed up”, he said.

“Wait until we get across the street and I will help you.”

Once safely across the street, the crossing guards (who have become dear friends) begin going on and on about Summer’s crazy outfit when one of them asked where Connor had went. In immediate panic I turned around and found Connor hiding behind me…with his pants down. Since I had forgotten, he had taken it upon himself to fix his underwear right there as cars drove by.

Quickly, I yanked his pants up and glanced at the sweet crossing guards who seemed to be waiting for my reaction before responding. “Well, I can add that to my list of embarrassing things he has done”, I said.

They laughed. Summer wasted no time before breaking into the story of his no underwear day. I smiled and wondered to myself why I take them out in public sometimes.

One crossing guard then noticed Connor’s normal clothes and said, “Oh, you didn’t have Wacky Wednesday today, Connor?”

Connor, quick as ever, replied, “Nope. I had wacky underwear day!”

Do I Dare Try This Again?

I have started this post a few times over the last month, but how in the world do you come back after almost a year of silence? It is not easy that is for sure. I want to make all these promises to do better, but I honestly don’t have enough faith in me to do such a thing. What calls me back is knowing all the sweet moments I shared with my family…moments I was sure I would remember but now have been forgotten. The timely moments where God has changed my course of direction…the little ones, I barely recognized, but now wish I had a better account. Then there are the big moments I have scribbled on a post-it note and still hope to record on here eventually…maybe…hopefully…

Here is a quick update on some of what has been going on the last year…
In June, I was forced to trust God in new ways as Shawn headed out on his first mission trip. God’s presence was tangible in my home and I learned so much… so did he. In October, Shawn headed out for a two week business trip and I expected the same peace that had accompanied me the last time he was gone, but instead this time I felt so alone. God began a work on me while Shawn was gone and still isn’t finished yet. It has been one of the most painful experiences in my walk with Him this far, but I am holding on…knowing it will be worth it.

God has reignited my passion for missions and it was a frustrating few months before I begin to see a reason why. He took me all the way to Houston over a weekend before I finally surrendered and received clear direction of what He wants next. Maybe I will share more of that someday. I am still busy with the women’s ministry at church and organizing the Bible studies. It is passion I don’t think I will ever get out of my system.

Shawn and I will celebrate our 10th anniversary this year and I have been amazed at him more lately than ever. He worked so hard this past year to support our family and he did so very well. These last few months, he “supporting me” has taken a different direction. I can hardly talk about it without tears. I am so thankful he is mine.

Summer is quite the little lady. She is definitely her own person and very Ok with her uniqueness. She rarely picks up a toy to play, but will spend her time on crafts, electronics or reading. She loves helping me in the kitchen. She takes social to a whole new level. Never wanting to be alone, she follows me around doing her own thing but carrying on an almost grown up conversation in the process. Her wisdom and maturity amaze me. Love that girl!

Connor, as active as ever, always keeps me on my toes. He doesn’t sit still for a minute and never has enough time in the day to play. Superheroes or cars occupies most of his time. His toys are his prized possessions, yet he has a huge heart. He will do almost anything for his sisters or me and do it cheerfully. The most amazing prayers come out of his little mouth. God has big plans for that little man, I just know it.

Chloe is near perfect sweetness. That little girl loves anything alive and has the most nurturing spirit I have ever witnessed in a little one. She is my constant companion throughout the day and I enjoy her so much it scares me sometimes. We clean together, run errands together, play together. Don’t even talk about her going to school…EVER!

So maybe I will be back to share more tomorrow…or maybe next week…or next month…but hopefully before next year.

One of Those Days

Last Friday was one of those days. You know the kind where you have to keep laughing so you don't cry. The kind where you wonder "what next?" but are too afraid to actually ask. Where you want to go back to bed and start over...or just stay in bed.

Friday morning the kids and I rush out the door in hopes that we would somehow be able to gain back the two minutes we needed in order to NOT be late for school. We weren't far from our house when it suddenly started raining...or we drove through sprinklers...or a flock of birds just pooped all over our car. Yea, that was it. Bird poop. Sadly, I didn't realize it was not rain, or the sprinklers until after I turned on the windshield wipers.

When I finished gagging, I resumed my task of getting Summer to school on time. Only now I was doing it by peering through streaks of bird poop all over the windshield. I wish I was exaggerating.

In spite of the bird poop, we actually made up our two minutes, but now there was no way I was driving my poopmobile through the car line. So we parked, got out and walked away from the car as quickly as possible.

Once she is in, I came back to check out the damage. Never before have I seen so much poop. With two fingers I attempted to open my door between splats. Needless to say, we headed straight to the car wash.

An experience in and of itself with two kids in the car and a mom who has never done this before...but I will spare you those details. We make it out with a clean car! It has never felt so good! Next stop - grocery store.

I have to admit as I turned off the car and walked around to get my kids out, I was a bit nervous at what this trip would bring. I will tell you, it was not what I expected, and it would be mere second before I would find that out...

Connor jumped out of the car and pulled out his shorts to look down them with wide eyes, "Where did my underwear go?"

I stopped in my tracks and asked, "Connor, do you not have underwear on??" while praying he was playing a trick on me.

"I guess I forgot them." He said much too seriously.

I looked for myself. Yep, he forgot them...somehow. I cringed but put him in the cart anyway. "Let,s just get our groceries quickly and then I will take you home to get underwear, OK?"

"OK" he replies and go we about our shopping trip.

Until I walk in and realize that in my hurry this morning, my shopping list was left on the counter right by my purse...instead of in my purse. Still determined to go home with food, I try to do it by memory.

Three aisles in my phone rings. It is Summer's teacher. I had wrote a note to her that morning concerning a note that came home from school with Summer the night before. Summer had found a note in her cubby that read, "I love you Summer! From your sekrit idmyudr." And then a second one that read, "I love you so much I want to kiss you!" Needless to say, that is where we got concerned.

So there I am explaining the whole situation in the middle of the store, while trying to pull my grocery list from head, push a race car grocery cart and keep two kids seated and under control. In all that, I completely forgot one of them didn't have on underwear. Unfortunately, he didn't forget....

I finally reached the check-out and and the man bagging the groceries (who we see there nearly every visit, I might add) asked Connor how he was doing today. I wasn't really paying attention until I heard Connor's response. "I don't have any underwear on."

I quickly covered his mouth, but it was too late. I felt my face turn red, but oh, it wasn't near over.

The man responded loudly "No, underwear on? Why don't you have any underwear on?"

Connor explained as best he knew how, "I guess they stuck to my pjs when I got dressed this morning and I put them in the laundry."

"Were they clean underwear?" The man asked.

Connor nodded a yes.

"Oh, no, OH NO!" the man exclaimed, his voice grew louder and louder as my face got redder and redder. "You never put clean underwear in the laundry, do you know why?"

Connor wide-eyed, shook his head.

"Because then you end up at the grocery store WITH NO UNDERWEAR ON!"

My gratitude at him declaring yet again to the people all around me that my son didn't have any underwear on was displayed well on my crimson face.

At last the cashier handed me the receipt and I grabbed my cart and pushed it out of the store.

Connor wondered aloud, "Why didn't he come out to the car with us like he always does?"

I muttered more to myself than to him, "He was probably afraid."

"Oh. I shouldn't have told him I didn't have underwear on." He says as if a light bulb just went off.

"Probably not", I said.

But it was done and we were headed home...yet even after all that, the day was just beginning...

Cherish

Today was the much awaited last day of school for Connor. Tomorrow is the big preschool graduation!

I have been counting down the days since we moved and added 20 minutes onto the daily trek. Honestly, I wasn't sure I was going to make it to the end. There were many days, I thought it might be his last. But a day at a time...one car line at a time...we made it to the end!

As excited as I was to see today and pick Connor up from school the last time, there was also that mommy part of me, that just wanted to hold onto it all. I wanted time to slow down for just a minute. For more reasons than my "to do list".

I came home from dropping him off and sat with Chloe. We played babies, looked at cards, fixed her up pretty and "talked" the whole time. My quiet mornings with her will be rare to none these next couple of months. And oh, how I have enjoyed her!

As I left to pick Connor up from school, I smiled as Chloe closed her eyes the moment she hit her car seat. For months, this has been her nap...the hour long ride to his school and back. Memories, though I often dreaded, I don't want to forget.

Waiting in the car line, I can't help but smile again as I see Connor walking towards me. All smiles as well, he jumps in and doesn't waste a second before pouring out the exciting details of his day. *Sigh* I love it! I know the day will come much sooner than I like and his boyish glee will turn to mere smirks and grunts. So again, I tuck this away.

As much as I have disliked the distance to Connor's school and the car line, I have looked forward to our rides home. This was "our" time. Chloe sound asleep, and Connor as talkative as ever, we shared some of the most memorable conversations.

Here are only a few recent ones:

"When is Daddy going to be a grown up and go to work?" Mind you, I am not sure how "grown up" Shawn is, but he does go to work every day. It was only after a few confusing minutes that I realized in Connor's mind - you didn't go to work unless you wore a uniform (ie, fireman, policeman, doctor).

"I pushed Avery today, but it was on purpose...or on accident. Which one is the good one?"

We have also had some good heart-to-hearts on the way home from school. Such as, Jesus coming in to your heart even when it is all bloody in there. Oh, I pray I never forget his wide eyes when I told him Jesus stays even when He does bad things. "Yes, pretty amazing, isn't it, sweet boy."

We have discussed in detail how God cries when we cry. He came to conclusion all on his own that he doesn't hear God crying because he cries so loud. I could only agree with that one.

Ah, so tomorrow a new chapter begins as we head towards another summer vacation.


Please, Lord, help me cherish every minute You have allowed me to borrow these precious children. Help me rejoice in all things!

Nothing Can Separate Us

Have you ever heard something your entire life but than all of a sudden you really hear it? It doesn't just get stuck in your ear but sinks into your brain...or maybe it's your heart.

That happened to me tonight.

I had the privilege of hearing Lisa Whelchel speak at a local church this evening. It was casual and lighthearted. She was fun and transparent. I was captivated by her testimony. So different than mine, and yet...the same.

She told details of how our brain and emotions are tied together. Scientific details that I would mess up if I tried to retell. How God has designed for one to go with the other. It is not just enough to know what we know, but we have to feel what we know to truly believe it.

Before I confuse myself any further...this is what I carried home tonight. This was my slap my hand on my forehead moment. My "How in the world have I not got this yet?" moment.

As if I had never heard it before, Lisa said something like this:

We are told over and over how sin separates us from God - and it does. He is holy and our sin keeps us from having a relationship with Him. But. BUT Jesus. Once we have Jesus in our lives, covering our sin...NOTHING, NOTHING can separate us from Him.

A light bulb went off in my head! That is scripture I have read how many times? "Nothing can separate us." Yet how many times a day do I beat myself up for failing...and not just failing but failing AGAIN. For losing my patience AGAIN. For not spending time in His Word AGAIN. For forgetting to pray AGAIN.

For...for...for...the list could on and on.

And I feel separated. I feel like He distanced Himself because of my sin. I feel I have let Him down. Disappointed Him. I can picture Him throwing His hands up in frustration. Maybe even anger.

But God's holiness (as huge as that is!!) is only half the picture. The other half is grace, clothed in flesh and called Jesus.

Without Him our sin separates us from God. With Jesus, His grace draws us near. It stoops to cover our sin. It wraps arms around us. It heals. It protects. It forgives and it loves. Always completely, never-ending love.

He doesn't want a perfect performance. He just wants me.

Amazing, amazing grace.

Bad Mom, Good Girl

Last night we had some friends over and while they were still here I headed up stairs to put the kids to bed. It was a little later than usual, but not too late.

Summer and Connor always go to bed first. One, because they have school the next day. And two, because through trial and error we have learned that bedtime goes much smoother with Chloe out of the picture. Somehow, Chloe - who loves bedtime herself - also loves to keep her brother and sister awake. There will be giggling, playing, who knows what when Chloe is up there. Without her...silence in a matter of seconds.

So just like any other night, Chloe got ready for bed but headed downstairs with me.

She was sitting on my lap while I visited with our friends. At some point she started squirming to get down and I let her, but didn't pay much attention to what she did next (bad mom). Some time goes by and one of our guests asks, "Where did Chloe go? Did she put herself to bed? Does she always do that?"

I jumped up and looked around - sure enough no Chloe (bad bad mom).

"She doesn't EVER do that...but if someone was going to...it would be her."

I head up stairs to check. My heart melts as I find her in her bed, covered and sleeping soundly. (what a good girl) My heart was sad that she had made the trek upstairs without me.

Maybe it was more sad that she didn't need me.

At the very same time, I couldn't help but smile. What a special girl we have! Her sweetness just keeps amazing me!

Easter

Yes, it is still on my mind. Easter weekend is my favorite weekends of the year! Each year it becomes more precious. Jesus’ sacrifice. His amazing love. He is alive!

This year I became more aware than ever how different Christians celebrate this time of year. I tread carefully here. My heart is not to offend…most of all, I do not want to dishonor my Savior’s sacrifice in anyway. I spent days contemplating our own Easter celebrations. Are we unknowingly bringing disgrace to God’s victory…or not giving Him all the glory He so deserves?

This is how I am left feeling. Whether we choose to call it Easter, Resurrection Sunday, Holy Week or Passover the important thing is our hearts. Do we know and love Jesus? Are we walking with Him daily? If so, I don’t think the spring season can go by without our Sovereign God prompting our hearts to remember all He did for us one spring 2,000 years ago. Second, are we doing everything we can to tell others about Him and what He did for them too? If we are doing that, I honestly don’t think God cares what we call it.

Easter, originally a pagan holiday I have been told (though I admittedly don’t know the details) has merged into a celebration of both spring and Jesus’ sacrifice and resurrection….at least in my family. I love the seasons. I love them because they belong to God. It is God’s creation telling the gospel story year after year.

My family enjoys dressing up and egg hunting because those are all God’s things – good things He has given us to enjoy. After a season of death, flowers breakthrough in brilliant pastels declaring life – and life abundantly. We dress up in celebration of the day He will dress us in our new Resurrection clothes. The eggs…well, they are His too. He created them and what a beautiful picture of life they are.

For two years now, I have had the amazing privilege of serving at the preschool welcome desk Easter Sunday. I can hardly hold back the tears as I talk with parents who brought their whole family to church for the very first time as a result of the egg hunt the day before. I smile kindly while my whole heart rejoices with song and dance that they will hear the gospel today, maybe for the very first time. Talk about God getting some glory!

I easily picture Jesus walking with us through all our Easter activities. I think He would love to laugh and play with the kids as they hunt for eggs. I imagine Him smiling easily at the pretty dresses. I know He would welcome the opportunity to find someone who didn’t know Him yet. And He would wipe away tears as we thanked Him for His sacrifice.

It is our hearts that matter to Him. Is Jesus alive and living in you? Then celebrate, my friend, however you know how.

Lost

Not a post about the show LOST...never seen it...don't intent to ever see it.  Sorry if I disappoint. :)  I am feeling at quite loss of where to start after all these months...  

In my last post (many months ago!) I promised a list of all I have learned from studying Acts.  I was working on it diligently, had it all typed out in Word and was proofreading it when our hard drive died.  It was lost forever!   And with it, my motivation for blogging seemed to be lost as well. 

I am also sure many of you (if you are still there) have been wondering if I was lost too...  unless of course you have Facebook, then you are very aware of all that has happened these past few months!  Moving, a puppy...where do I start?!?!

Ah, today.  

Today is the first day of our spring break!  I have awaited this day since January.  Don't get me wrong, I love my quiet mornings as much as any other mom with school age kids, but I don't like getting up before the sun, spending three hours of my day driving back and forth to school and waiting in car lines.  Not to mention homework and keeping up with the different schedules.  By this time of year, I am just done.  Really very ready for summer vacation...but, ah, spring break will do.  

So, oddly enough, I find I have more time on my hands with my kids home than I do with them in school.  With my extra time this week, I thought I would give blogging another shot.  I love being able to look back on here at details in our day to day life that would otherwise be forgotten. 

I am giving myself a goal of a post a day and hoping that will put me back in the habit of it by the end of the week.  You have my permission to nudge me if I slack again!  :)